Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Those people you talk about all the time because you hate them

For me his name is Russell. He is also a creative writing major so of course we have several classes together. He's got this really effeminate nasally voice that is annoying enough on its own, but it's paired with the fact the he loves to talk all the time. And I mean he loooooooooooooooooooooooves it. He's that guy constantly interrupting the flow of class by asking some nonsense question or throwing out some kind of ridiculous anecdotal comment to which the professor's response is almost always that sort blank stare and "Uhh.. okay anyway" but he still doesn't understand. Maybe he has aspergers, in which case I would feel sort of bad for making fun of a kid with a mild form of autism. But then again I knew a girl whose brother had aspergers and while he was indeed socially awkward it wasn't because he went out of his way to be loud and obnoxious like ol rusty, he was sort of quite and reserved. It's happening, it's happening right now. Russell is asking some very long winded stupid question that isn't even asking any sort of real question. He's that brown nose guy that sits in the front seat closest to the desk of the professor and calls them by their first name all the time because they think they're friends and more than just teacher/student. By typing all of this I'm hoping to have channeled all of my frustration into this slightly more concrete... thing I guess, I sort of blanked out on a good word for a second there. But in conclusion, fuck Russell

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Plan B

So it looks like for Valentine's day I will be getting really drunk until my Skype date with my good friend Kara in Virginia. I will probably eat a lot of sandwiches too.

Monday, February 6, 2012

3D (derp derp derp)

Stop it. Just... just stop it. 3D does not really enhance the experience as much as Hollywood thinks it does, seriously after the first twenty minutes you barely even notice it anymore. But it's not their fault, people keep paying for it so why stop making it? Speaking of greedy. George Lucas. Holy hell another Star Wars reissuing? I love Star Wars, love the shit out of it, but I want people to leave it alone even, if not especially, George Lucas. I'm sure he didn't actively pursue this 3D re-re-re-release, it was probably something some douchey exec at Lucasfilm suggested and he figured "Hey why not suck some more money out of this franchise?" But for the love of God, stop messing with Star Wars. It was great the way it was (the original trilogy anyway, the prequels are a completely different rant) The biggest problem is I know they are going to suck more in 3D because they weren't intended to be shown in 3D. What a lot of people don't realize is that the reason some movies look great in 3D and others look like shit is because the ones that look great were filmed with special cameras built specifically for 3D movies. Taking a movie that already existed and then adapting it to 3D is what makes shitty 3D movies like Clash of the Titans (although the poor 3D was by far not the only thing wrong with that movie) Even Avatar (which is also another rant altogether) was filmed originally with IMAX cameras but after the success of Disney's Up every douche in Hollywood decided to make the conversion to 3D, so they went back and updated the footage of several movies that were already well into production.

I guess it was really only a matter of time before they had to go back and have their way with Star Wars again, hell maybe I'll see the original trilogy again so I can get the movie theater experience. But if they announce the 3D re-releasing of Indiana Jones I'm burning down Skywalker Ranch. (That was an empty threat, police)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Gollum

The embodiment of Deus ex Machina, or God out of the Machine for those of you know who don't know Latin (not that I know much anymore) And if you're unfamiliar with the concept there's nothing I love more than explaining things like this. It's refers to the thing, usually something magical or made of advanced technology depending on the setting, in most stories that makes it so the good guys can win. But deus ex machina sounds a whole lot fancier and is less to say. If you've read Harry Potter, and I know you have, it's in every book, and in the last one there's like eight. Anytime you're reading a book and you think to yourself, "Boy, it sure was convenient they found the x that is the only thing that can defeat x." or "It's a good thing x came along just as x was about to x." And most of the time this happens within the last few chapters. Same goes for movies.

But in the Lord of the Rings the Deus ex Machina gets a face, a whole back story, and is in all of the books/movies. (As you might of guessed I'm watching it right now, The Two Towers to be exact) Try to imagine for a moment what would have happened if Frodo and Sam had tried to make it to Mordor on their own. There wouldn't even be a third book/movie. But let's back up. So Gollum used to be Smeagol, found the one ring, killed his cousin or brother or whatever, becomes a twisted insane creature, yadda yadda yadda, Bilbo steals the ring and then the first book/movie is more or less set up. First, how is Gollum still alive by the time Frodo gets the ring? I know the Ring gives you a supernatural lifespan, but Gollum was a river hobbit (I know that isn't the technical term) so I assume he has a similar lifespan to regular land hobbits. When Bilbo gives Frodo the Ring he's already well over one hundred, but dances around like he's in his mid fifties. At the end of the series when Frodo sees Bilbo again, he appears to be on the verge of death and relatively little time has gone by (I know it was more in the book, but shut up) But Gollum went a very very long time without having the Ring after Bilbo stole it  and yet he moves around like a god damn spider monkey and I'm pretty sure Gollum was already breaking 200 at the time.

But okay, maybe river hobbits are especially virile when they've been cursed with evil. So what else do we know about the little dude? Well as we find out in the first one he was captured and taken to Mordor where he suffered excruciatingly painful torture at the hands of Sauron's forces until he tells them where the ring is. I honestly don't even see why they would have to torture him. Why wouldn't he just immediately tell them who stole the ring? It's not like he owes anything to Bilbo, the guy who stole his most precious treasure. But maybe they just wanted to torture the shit out of him anyway, that's what evil guys do. You know what else evil guys do? Kill people, especially after they torture them because that is the ultimate dick move. Why would Sauron, who is literally the embodiment of malevolence, just decide to say "fuck it" this one time and tell his cronies to let him go? You can't tell me the guy, or creature, who wants to murder and/or enslave every race in Middle Earth has some code of honor that says he can't torture AND kill someone. If Sauraon had just had his orcs kill Gollum right then and there, boom, evil triumphs. But of course this is deus ex machina we're talking about. Everything had to be just so, otherwise how could we get to the part Gollum stupidly attacks Frodo at the edge of a barely stable bridge made of stone hovering precariously over what can only be described as a shit ton of molten lava? Again, not that Frodo would have even made it that far without Gollum to show them that there was a much better way to get into Mordor than walking right in the fucking front door (seriously, how could that have possibly worked?)

But if it hadn't been for Gollum, all of those heroic acts performed by every single character other than Frodo and Sam (seriously, what series has a more useless protagonist?) would have been for nothing. The forces of Mordor would have still rallied and killed the shit out of Gondor considering they had a seemingly infinite army at their disposal.

So who is really responsible for the destruction of the Ring and with it Sauron and the forces of Mordor? Sauron himself, that's who.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Mockumentaries

As a little caveat pointed out to me by good ol' Karly, the following does not refer to comedic mockumentaries but only the dramatic/scary ones. Comedic ones work because you are well aware that it's not supposed to be taken seriously. That's the point. Dramatic ones however, well...

I already went to town on that movie Troll Hunter. So while I was filling out job applications online today I threw on the movie "The Fourth Kind" because I like Sci-Fi, and it was on TV so I figured why not. The way they set it up was pretty clever. They would show you footage of the "dramatic reenactment" starring Mila Jovovich and that guy who's in all those movies but whose name you can never remember. Then they would show you some "actual footage" with some "actual audio" of the same scene, sometimes side by side in the most annoying way possible. So what's the problem? It's all a dramatic reenactment. Even the actual footage is a bunch of D list actors you're not likely to ever see in another movie which they filmed with a shitty camera from twelve years ago to make it look real. So I guess it's not even a reenactment so much as it's an enactment considering none of it is based on anything that happened. It is incredibly loosely based on some disappearances in Nome Alaska, where the movie takes place, that happened around twelve years ago and apparently the FBI came in and out a few times so of course it was Aliens right? Funny thing is they found a lot of the bodies so it wasn't really that mysterious. Also, it's fucking Alaska. Do you know what else lives in Alaska? Bears. Big ass bears that I'm sure love snacking on stupid drunks who get lost in the woods in the middle of the night. Not to mention the other hundreds of ways you could probably die getting lost in the Alaskan woods which I can only imagine are pretty easy to get lost in, especially when you're drunk. Why am I assuming they were drunk? Again, it is God damn Alaska. What else could they possibly be doing there right now? So I think the Alaskan wilderness theory probably explains the bodies that they didn't find.

But back to the movie. What sucks is that there were a few genuinely scary moments and if they had just filmed this as an actual movie and not some shitty mockumentary, and also taken out Mila Jovovich for someone who actually sounds like a woman (I'm told by Hollywood that she's sexy but I see no evidence of this), then it could have been a great Sci-Fi movie which there are very few of these days (I don't care one bit for Avatar, one screening was enough for me). Then they kept doing that thing where when something scary happened the "actual footage" would suddenly get really screwed up so that you can't actually see what was happening but for some reason the audio works just fine so you can hear all the stuff that is supposed to be scary. You know what would have been great? If they had just made a movie where they show all the scary aliens and people being abducted instead of just suggesting it for an hour and a half.

There can't be any good mockumentaries anymore and I wish Hollywood could just realize that. People know this shit isn't real. The last, and possibly only, good mockumentary was the Blair Witch Project because after that everyone knew what to expect. The first paranormal activity was sort of good, but they ruined the first one by making the subsequent ones. Especially since the third one was a prequel. Gee, wasn't it convenient that all three families had weird husbands who wanted to film shit all the time? And then there was the Last Exorcism, I watched that movie thinking it was soooooo good right up until the very end when they ruined it by also insisting that it was real and not just about how exorcisms are hoaxes, it's sort of hard to explain that movie since I'm assuming most people haven't seen it (I only saw it because I was bored one night and Netflix is a thing). If you're going to make a movie, just make a damn movie. Take those budgets and invest them in something that is actually worth watching.

Teaching

My young adult literature class is apparently geared towards people who are getting certified to teach or get a major in secondary education. I did not know this going into it. Had I known I probably still would have taken the class just because my other options for upper division literature classes were fairly limited and I didn't want to take European lit. So there will be two points during this semester where I will have to prepare a lesson plan geared toward any age group I choose, and I will have fifteen minutes and then thirty minutes to do these lessons on our class. Most of the class so far has been the students teaching students how to teach students, while Professor Bishop, who I do consider to be "the man", sits and takes notes to create your grade.

This actually excites me, I see a golden opportunity. I am an expert of the half-assed and smart-ass presentation that still manages to get full credit. Since I don't necessarily plan on teaching, at least not high school or anything lower, I want to have fun with this. I want to do something snarky so to speak. Although it will appear to be a serious lesson on the outside, I want it to also reek of my sarcasm to the point that no one is really sure what to think. Bishop will know, that is for sure, the man has a lot of experience and channels sarcasm like few other professors I've seen. But it takes a smart-ass to appreciate a smart-ass. Just ask my Dad.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Irony

Irony

This word bugs the hell out of me. Not in the way that words ending in "sks" bug me, saying masks out loud bothers me to no end. The problem with the word irony, and I mean situational irony (situational is apparently not a word according to my spell check) is that it can be, can being the key word, very subjective and often depends on how much either party understands about the situation occurring. Which almost creates a sort of dramatic irony if one person uses the word irony while the other person knows that it's just a coincidence. Almost. Irony is a bitch. I try to never use the word myself unless I am absolutely sure that what just happened was in fact ironic which you will often find it wasn't. Also, don't ever say ironical. I understand that yes, technically it is a word. But "ironic" is an adjective. Saying "ironical" creates an adjectival form of a word that was already an adjective. It doesn't make any sense. It's almost like irregardless, which apparently is a word according to my spell check, which everyone knows is a double negative. So I guess ironical is a double adjective.

And since I'm talking about irony (And since we're talking about grammar and word usage lately I also have to mention that starting a sentence with a conjunction is actually not breaking any grammatical rules despite what a lot of people will tell you) fuck Alanis Morisette. I don't know if I spelled her name right and I don't care, and also fuck my eleventh grade English teacher for the same following reason. That song "Ironic" by Alanis, actually does not contain one ironic statement in it (except maybe the one about the guy on the plane) but since it's actually a song of coincidences, the whole song itself is ironic. What is also quite ironic is that while we were learning about irony in the aforementioned English class, my teacher played this song several times so we could listen to all these examples of irony which were in fact coincidental. Just like 90% of cases of people using irony.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Buzzwords and Socialism

Someone posted a video on Facebook that they had made entitled "The Socialist Network". Basically it showed a bunch of pictures of people being held back by and opposing SOPA and PIPA and all those other internet infringing legislatures that have been popping up lately and then turned into a parody trailer of the Social Network. It suggested, as per the title, that all of these laws would turn the internet into a "Socialist Network." I think the problem I have with this should be obvious. Now granted, this was made by a bunch of high school seniors who I guess have not taken social studies or any government related classes at any point, and yes the title is supposed to be a play on words, but it doesn't make any sense. The title suggests the very opposite of what they are portraying in the parody. And it's not like there aren't other clever titles they could have used, how about "The Anti-Social Network"? That would have made infinitely more sense than the title they went with considering the trailer shows the government shutting down social networking sites. You know what kind of government does that? Fascists ones, like China and North Korea, they're all about that kind of shit. Calling it a Socialist network would imply that the government is allowing a piracy free for all and that all knowledge should be spread across the internet like so many singles being rained upon strippers. Socialism and socialist have just become buzzwords that any Tom Doesntknowafuck feels like they can throw out into a conversation to feel relevant to politics. Personally I put a lot of blame on Fox News as they seem to abuse this the most. I don't know how many people and pundits I have seen/heard on those programs confusing socialism for fascism, or my favorite, calling someone both a socialist and a fascist. Tell me Fox News, how is it that a person can be both a thing and the complete opposite of that thing at the same time?

Sunday, January 29, 2012

On starting a family

So there's this girl Jamie I've known since I was a freshman in college.She's got these big doe eyes and a particularly banging bod, which will soon be ruined, and overall seemed to be the typical college sorority girl. Well as it turned out she's Mormon. A lot of them are Mormon but she is that special kind of Mormon girl that gives up her life to get married and start a family. You see about a year or so ago she got married, that would put her at around nineteen at the time. This was a little surprising to me, but since then I know a lot of people (mostly if not entirely Mormons) who have gotten married. What was especially stupid to me I thought, was that she also dropped out of school here. What exciting career is she leading now? She's a receptionist. A god damn receptionist. Go to college for a year and half, become a receptionist. Every girl's dream right? Not long after she tied the knot she also cut off most of her hair which when I knew her went down past her shoulders. Now she has the mommiest mom hair cut I think I've ever seen. She still looked hot, don't get me wrong, but it's like she's just following the Mormon handbook for young girls and just a little too closely. Why does getting married mean you have to suddenly change your appearance to look so damn wifey? And now she's pregnant, five weeks according to facebook (facebook is how I have slowly learned all of these things about her, it's like watching a real time Mormon time-line on my news feed) Seriously, at twenty she is married and pregnant with barely an education and your average woman's job, and is completely content with that. I'm sure she's happy, I hope she's happy considering how she could have lived her life. Even if she had just stayed with her boyfriend for another six years until she could finish college and get a real career, that would have been better to me. So I really hope she doesn't end up regretting it six years from now when she sees how her friends have all gone on to be successful business women and lady doctors and what not. I guess what really bothers me is the thought that that could have been me. It blows my mind that people my age are allowed to get married, even people who are three years younger than me. I literally cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to be married and starting a family right now. It's what my parents did, but at least my dad had a full college education and began a legitimate career (I have no idea what Jamie's husband does, I'm not planning on stalking that deep to find out) and although my mom didn't get a college degree she at least had the sense to get one later in life, and she can tell you what a huge difference that can make when it comes to getting a job and getting a better salary. On the opposite end of the spectrum I have a friend who has been dating a girl for around three years now and although they have talked about getting married, it was only to say not until after they both graduate from SUU and more than likely not until they finish graduate school. That makes sense. I couldn't expect a woman to want to marry me if I couldn't provide for myself, and I don't know how I would feel about marrying a woman who couldn't provide for herself.

Not to mention, can you imagine not being old enough to drink alcohol at your own damn wedding?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Possible New Place

It's going to seem pretty sketchy as I first describe the situation, and believe me I felt pretty sketched out myself as I was living this so learn with me.

I found an ad on craigslist today while I was in class. I've been taking my laptop to class lately in place of a paper notebook and not only do I now take better notes, but it actually saved my ass today in class when I had to give a research contribution, but that's a different story that can pretty much be summed up the way I just did. Anyway, I called the number immediately when I got home. The guy who answered sounded pretty friendly, and since neither of us were busy twenty minutes later I was at the house. From the outside it seemed a little odd, the garage was like boarded up sort of, but I can't imagine I would be parking there anyway. The front door had a glass window with little opaque glass butterflies in it, which I thought was a little strange. The guy opens the door before I knock and appears to be in his early forties maybe. He was very friendly, but not too friendly, and also seemed like a cool guy just for the fact that he had about a full sleeve of tattoo work on his right arm.

Then he introduced me to his mom, who also lives at the house. This is about when the sketchiness peaked. I only really said hi to her before he started showing me the down stairs and the room that I would likely be having. The room itself was huge. It had a decent sized closet and also a shit load of of cabinets. I don't really think it was intended to be a bedroom, but it works. Also, I would have my own fireplace. How about that for a romantic night? And there is also an entrance straight into the basement so I wouldn't really have to deal with the people upstairs that much, they'd just be my kooky upstairs neighbors I would occasionally go upstairs to get drunk with. After actually talking to the guy's mom for a few minutes, she was actually a pretty badass old lady. I noticed she had a smallish tattoo on her hand, so I'm assuming she has more. They were casually swearing around me which was awesome. Also this place would come with a washer and dryer, conveniently located down stairs, free high speed internet, and also digital cable with a DVR in my own room. Also also, there is a ground floor window in the room that would be easy for kitty to come in and out of. Also also also, there are two other rooms in the house for rent, one upstairs and another down stairs, so eventually I probably won't be the only one feeling a tad out of place. Also also also also, he said he is willing to just go month to month without a lease or a deposit or any of that nonsense, so this could all be so easy and convenient for me.

I am strongly considering this.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Five Good Reasons

5 Reasons to date a short guy.
As a short guy, Disney movies and fairy tales with a prince of any sort are my nemesis. Me tall, dark, and handsome? No, no, and quite, but I’ve still been turned down plenty of times by women for nothing more than my height. It can be difficult trying to find a girl who doesn’t mind a guy a few inches shorter than her, especially when you’re shorter than most girls from the get go. And ladies, I get it. You don’t want to feel all self-conscious and awkward walking around with a guy who shows off something you might consider a flaw. But here are some things to consider the next time a guy you may not have been able to see right away asks you out.

1. More personality/character.
Haven't you ever heard the expression good things come in small packages? Well great things come in even smaller packages. There’s no denying it, I’m a pretty funny guy. A lot of short guys are funny. Look at John Stewart and Billy Crystal (I honestly have no idea how tall Crystal is but he seems fairly short) Short guys know that because we have a disadvantage with our height, it’s necessary to develop a personality that sticks out. Unfortunately this makes the “tallies” stick us into one of two categories. If we’re aggressive and loud we have a Napoleon complex, but if we’re introverted and quiet then we’re wimps. This isn’t exactly a fair comparison; I don’t say that all aggressive tall guys have a Kobe Bryant complex or that the quiet ones are like Treebeard from Lord of The Rings. But because we’re also aware of these two categories, we do what we can to not be stuck into one or the other. I’m quite chivalrous, but that was a trait my Mom made sure I develop. But in that respect, while short guys may be aggressive toward other guys, we’re almost always sweet towards women. Almost, there’s still short little douche fucks out there that make it hard for the rest of it. But the rest of us don’t want to be seen as the evil little gnomes. Believe it or not many of us have the personalities of a Prince, just think of us as being put under a spell by some evil witch to be short so that you wouldn’t see us for who we really are.

2. General sexual superiority.
I was actually considering just making this entirely about our sexual prowess, but I also want you ladies to know we’ve got more to offer than just some of the best sex you’ll have. But for now we’re talking about the dirty. It’s probably one of the biggest ways we try to compensate for being short. We do our best to not only be good at sex, but to be masterful at it. I’m talking virtuosos. And there are a few reasons we can figure this out early. Ladies have you seen our hands? They’re small, dexterous, and nimble. It’s like having ten tiny horny elves who want nothing more than to find all of those subtle little curves in your body, and then pleasure the ever loving shit out of you.
Not only do our smaller hands give us an advantage of covering your sexy bodies, but every guy who considers himself short has studied up on every magazine article, YouTube video, and slutty blog that features tips for men, by women, about how to be good at sex, and not just any sex, but sex that is all about pleasing the woman. The average short guy will seriously go down on you for like an hour until you just need that sweet short guy loving in you, or until our tongues fall off, but usually it’s that first one. Plus with our compact size, think of all the interesting places we could do it. Small closets, under stair cases, that douche bag’s smart car across the street, you know, all the sexy places. But sexual prowess isn’t the only way we compensate.

3. Economical.
Short guys save more money. Why, you ask? How much do you think a short guy needs to eat? Not nearly as much as someone four inches taller than me that’s for sure, and that’s savings that we pass on to you. We have more disposable income to take you out to nicer dinners, buy you better flowers and higher quality chocolates for Valentine’s Day. That might sound strange, a man wanting to spend money on you in this day and age, but what else are we going to spend that money on if not you? We already know how to cobble shoes and assemble toys, so we’re not spending anything there. Oh and if you want to talk statistics, did you know that short guys live longer? As in up to ten years longer (For someone 5’5 versus someone 5’11 or taller) It makes sense, our hearts don’t have to work nearly as hard to get our blood flowing, and again it takes minimal resources to keep us living, so if you want an extra decade with your man, and maybe his money too, then it only makes sense to go short.

4. Dedication.
Now if you do accept a short guy, prepare for some serious dedication. Short guys know that they can’t always land the taller sexy type, so when we do we are devoted to you. Chores need to be done around the house? Boom, short guy is there. Need hot chocolate at three in the morning? Boom, short guy is there. Have something sore that needs to be rubbed? Boom, short guy is so there, because if there’s something we’re good with it’s our hands. We might get a little jealous every now and then, but don’t pretend you don’t like a little bit of that, and it’s only because we know if we lost you it would be very hard to replace you. In the end short guys will do everything they can to make sure you see us as someone you can really spend the rest of your life with.

5. Break those norms! Progressivism and shit!
Whatever happened to those strong minded women who wanted to break society’s norms? Tall guy/short girl has been the norm since basically the dawn of time, why is that the only stereotype that can’t be broken in this day and age? It’s understandable that you see tall guys as being able to protect you better, but from what? Where do you live that the crime rate is so high you think you need a personal bodyguard to protect you 24/7? And what, you think a short guy isn’t going to protect you? We may have a diminutive stature, but that doesn’t mean we’re not going to fight someone off for you, we might get our asses kicked in the process but that would at least give you time to get to safety/call the cops or something, and we’re more than willing to lose a little blood for you. But again, that’s if that situation ever even comes up. Be progressive, show people you don’t care what they think by dating a guy who actually cares about you, and who you can really care about. In the end the only opinions that should matter to you are the ones of the people who care about you.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Creative Endeavors and Demos

I've been locked up in my room the last couple days working on some of my creative endeavors, to which I think there is probably a link on the side or from my profile or something. I still don't really know how this website works.

But during my little breaks from writing I've been playing some demos for the 360 that the guy from gamestop recommended to me, which by the way, guy from gamestop, although I appreciate your concern in what games I plan on playing in the future, you're not going to convince me to pay to reserve them now when I came in to not pay for anything so save us both ten minutes next time. Anyway, these demos. Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, Asura's Wrath, Darkness II, and El Shaddai Ascension of the Metatron (Medatron? I still haven't tried it yet) I had heard of Reckoning, but never actually read anything about it. Gamestop time waster guy made it sound like something I would be into, Elder Scrolls + Fable's Potential + Baldur's gate. I'm down. Demo? The shit. Game mechanics are like Fable but smoother and a hundred times cooler, but the class system is like Elder Scrolls, in that there really isn't one and you just kind of do whatever you want to do, it's awesome. You have your primary weapon (X) and your secondary (Y) which you just switch between as you fight for some sweet combos. I was going daggers and then a sword, plus you can just throw in magic whenever you want to and really waste some fools.

Asura's wrath is crazy but seems intriguing. You play as Asura who is some kind of six armed stone faced deity who for some reason is in a fight with another stone faced deity who has a sword. It's pretty anime styled which I'm down with. There is a lot of insanely fast punching and blocking, people are surrounded in burning energy, and for some reason there characters give each other lengthy dialogues as they fight. You pretty much just punch the shit out of each other (Oh and you're on the moon by the way.) for like ten minutes until the other dude tries to stab you in the chest at which point you both plummet to the Earth, all but two of your arms fall off, the other dude stabs you in the chest with a sword so long that it actually comes out the other side of the earth somewhere around Australia. But before the sword gets all the way to the hilt, you get one of those button pressing scene things where it looks like you're probably going to hit the guy in the face. End Demo. I don't know if I'll actually get this anytime soon just because Reckoning comes out on the 7th and then Mass Effect 3 comes out in March and I know I will be seriously involved with both of those games for a while, although now that I think about it I have no idea when Asura comes out.

And then there was Darkness II. All I can really say is this. Quad wielding guns. Not like in Bayonetta where you have two pistols and then two shotguns tied to your feet. As in your hands are holding guns, and then your darkness tendrils are also holding guns, but your darkness is still free to kill the shit out of people in the most graphic way possible and then eat their hearts, and the more violent the kill the more leveling points or whatever you want to call them you get. So for instance shooting a guy in the face is going to get you a lot less points than tossing him in the air with one tendril and impaling him against a wall with some re-bar with the other, or hitting him with a pallet to stun him and then picking up with the darkness and doing some called a wishbone, where I'm sure you can imagine what happens.

I'll probably give that last one a try tonight or tomorrow, I think it's some kind of JRPG which I'm always down for if they can keep me interested for longer than an hour or so, which lately it seems like they're having a very hard time doing. Because really how many times can a spikey haired swordsman with a troubled past save the world from some evil guy who it later turns out is just there to distract you from the really evil supernatural whatever that is the real villain of the game but you don't know that until you're already fighting it.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Finding a House

So a few days ago our douchey alumni landlord decided to sell our house to the University and now we've just got to the end of the month to find a new place. All the other guys have either gotten expelled or made some bullshit plans they probably aren't going to actually going to have happen, but I've been making a lot of calls and looking for a room for myself in a house or something. Found a decent enough house, met the other guys that lived there and got the tour, but I had yet to talk to the landlord so I left him a voice message that went something similar to:

"Hi, my name is Corey and I'm interested in the room for rent. My only concern is that I do have a cat, but she's an outdoor cat, barely sheds if at all, and has never had any accidents. Please let me know what your policies are with pets, as I'm very interested in the room and could move in this weekend if possible."

Today he returned my message, the conversation with like this:

Me: "Hello?"

Older douche with a really slow stupid sounding voice: "Hi, I uhhhhhhh don't remember your name, but I got your message, about the room."

Me: "Uh, okay. Well my name is Corey."

Him: awkward silence

Me: "So how about that room?"

Him: "Yeeeeaaaahhhh wellllll (everything he said was so slow that I have to spell it out like that to really capture it) I uhhhhh don't realllly know how I feel abooooouuutt animals and alllll the messes they make in the house.

Me: "Right, well if you listened to my message (which he clearly didn't) she's a small cat and she stays outside most of the day, I haven't even had to clean her litter box in a year because she just does her business outside."

Him: "Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh but all that haaaaaiiir they're always leaving around."

Me: "Well again, if you had listened to my message, she barely sheds at all. I wear a lot of black and I never have to use a lint roller."

Him: "Welllllllllllllllllll I've neverrrrrrrrrrrr met a cat that didn't shhhhhhhhhhhhed."

Me: "Okay well I've cats pretty much my whole life and I can tell you that some shed more than others and some don't shed at all."

Him: "Yeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh welllllllllllllllllllll I hate cats and dogs booooooth so I can't say I really know."

Me: "I mean if it's really a problem I could pay more on the deposit."

Him: "Wwwwwwwwwwwwwweelllllll I just donnnnn't knoooowww how I feeeeeeeellll about animals coming in and makingggggggg messsssses and making it haaaaaaaaarrrrrd for me to make the mooooorrtggaaaaaaage."

Me: "Look, if it's that big of a problem, I've got two other places I'm looking into and one is pet friendly, so we can just end this conversation now."

Him: "Oooooooookkkkaaayyy wellllllllllll ifff something happens aannnnd you leeeave the cat and thinnnnngssss channnnnge, callllllllllll me baaack."

Me: "Right, bye."

How does a guy like this come to own a house anyway?

Nintendo's Endings

What is wrong with the Japanese? I mean aside from the tentacle schoolgirl rape porn and the life threatening game shows. Why can't Nintendo, a group of I would assume are fairly intelligent Japanese dudes, ever come up with a good ending for their games? And I'm talking about any games for any Nintendo system, I'm talking about the ones that are made for Nintendo by Nintendo. Shit like Mario, Star Fox, Legend of Zelda, etc. I don't think there has been a single one of those games incarnations, where I sat back and smiled as I watched the ending and felt all accomplished and what not. And I'm not saying all of the were necessarily bad, it's just that none of them were good. And it's like they're not even trying. The whole game you've gotten to know the characters and see their relationships with each other, by the ending you want something meaningful to happen, after all isn't the end of the game sort of the whole point? Isn't the object of the game to beat it and see the ending? So why can't Nintendo make me an ending that doesn't make me want to instantly return the game. It's like they're comprised of the actually Japanese robots you always see, and they really have no concept of "emotions" or "fans". I would say one of the worst endings of any game I've ever played was Starfox 64. You spent hours making it to Venom, you fight past Wolf and his douchey crew and kill the real Andross, Fox's Dad who he thought was dead the last several years of his life shows up, saves you from the exploding death. And then what  happens? He fucking disappears again, forever. He just flies off in another direction and Fox never says anything about it. They all return to Corneria, heroes celebration, the end. Are you serious Nintendo? Do you know what closure is? No obviously you don't. You can't just leave people hanging with an ending like that and then literally never address it again. And I think the most depressing ending has to be Ocarina of Time. Link just went on the adventure of a life time, traveling through time, exploring the world, killing the shit out of various monsters, and when you finally kill Ganondorf (in a very disappointing final boss fight) Zelda seals him and the Tri Force in a realm outside of time so that the world reverts to the way it was before he fucked it up, so that basically nothing ever happened. Your entire adventure? Gone. But Link still remembers it, the whole fucking thing. All that crazy shit he went through still happened, but there isn't a single person in the world who would believe him because to their knowledge it never did. Could you imagine living like that? You had the weight of the world on your shoulders, saved the shit out of it, and the only other people who know about it are all now spirits or something, and then Zelda, maybe, they don't even address is she knows either. Speaking of Zelda, what a prude bitch. This kid, who you didn't even know and owes you absolutely nothing, just went on the craziest most dangerous adventure conceivable and you don't even give him a kiss? Shit, if I were Link I would be expecting AT LEAST some head, but her reward for saving her is erasing your adventure from the memories of existence and making you ten again. Who wants to be ten again? How can you go from being an adult straight back to being a little and just be cool with that? I know we all say we wish we could go back, but seriously if you were suddenly ten again, and also had to relive your whole life back up to being an adult that would fucking suck. Everyone knows that in any and every story featuring a hero and a princess, the guy is supposed to get the girl in the end, but not even Mario can get more than a kiss on his giant on his shnoze (shnawz?) from Princess Peach, and seriously how many times has he had to rescue that bitch?

The fuck Nintendo?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Legend of Zelda, Damn Sprites

I play a lot of video games, that is no lie. Don't even get me started on Skyrim. I, like every nerd, have already devoted too much of my life to it to want to hear anything about Dragons right now. In fact to get off my addiction to Skyrim, I started playing the newest Legend of Zelda. I've got to say as a Legend of Zelda fan it's a pretty great game to add to the series, as frustrating as some of the motion heavy swimming and flying controls can be to figure out, they get pretty easy quick. The only thing about this game that manages to get on my nerves every single time I play it, no matter where I am, is the damn sword. And not even the actually sword, rather the spirit/genie thing that pops up every now and then. And when I say every now and then, I mean literally any time something even slightly relevant happens.

These always come up as these short little messages where the game comes to a stop, you see this bitch come out of your sword like you're not busy jumping around lava, and she tells you something stupid like "Master, there is a 90% chance that this lava will kill you." And then it just goes back into the sword and the game continues.

Never mind the fact that this ghost robot delivers each of these messages while staring at you with its cold dead nothing eyes. There aren't even eyes on its face, just a place where eyes were clearly supposed to go but Nintendo thought that people really love their sword genies to look like flamboyant yet soulless robots.

Basically every Legend of Zelda game feels the need to throw in some obnoxious yet "helpful" little sprite character like this (I think her name is Fi). In Ocarina of time and Majora's Mask (not that I ever finished that one) they were both little fairies, I seem to remember the second one being more obnoxious (hey, hey!) And in Twilight Princess it was Midna, who despite also giving annoying reminders, could at least participate in combat situations and solve puzzles. I don't know if Nintendo just doesn't listen to their fans who for the most part hate all of these characters, or if they just think we're all really really stupid and need fairies to tell us some of the most obvious shit you will ever hear. If there is a giant ass door, with a giant ass lock, which requires a key that is also giant as ass, I will also assume, Fi, that there is a 90% chance that something important is in there. You don't need to tell me that every time I walk into a dungeon, or a I flip a switch, or I find a new tool or weapon, and you certainly don't need to hold me there and force me to hear it every time.

I need a sword exorcist.

TROLL!

So I'm watching a movie on Netflix right now about a team of Scandinavian college kids (I'm sure at some point in the beginning they said which country but by now they're all sort of just one tall pasty stereotype to me.) To sum up the plot these kids are following a guy they think is a bear poacher, which is a big deal in whichever country this takes place (Norway?). Who it later turns out is hunting Trolls, not bears.

But before I get too into it there's one thing that sort of makes all of the flaws stand out in the movie, as it could have been just fine without it. It's filmed just like the Blair Witch project. The exact same format but with trolls instead of ghosts. This movie actually begins by telling you that this is unaltered footage that someone found and decided to give to a Swedish (Dutch?) movie company. Movies like the Blair Witch Project and Paranormal activity are one thing, but they rely on the fact that even the most reasonable people on the planet still think there's like a ten percent chance ghosts exist and maybe, just maybe, someone finally caught them on film, but Trolls? Are the Finnish (Icelandic?) people actually so frightened of Trolls that they think they could sell this thing like that? They're god damn trolls. Even some of the craziest people in the world probably don't believe in Trolls. But this movie is trying to make you believe that it takes place in a world where not only do Trolls exist and are constantly roving the hills of Denmark, but that also that world is this one. That being said:

As these college kids (one ginger looking fellow as the anchor guy, the obscure off camera cameraman you almost if ever see, and of course their sassy blonde sound girl) have their journey through Iceland traveling on roads that look remarkably exactly the same as shots from ten minutes earlier, they run into several sites where a Bear poacher they've been following to get a report on for a Dutch journalist college final or something, and at the sights are some of the most absurdly fake looking bear corpses. Now I'm not saying I know a whole lot about bear corpses, but I do know that they tend to resemble bears in some way or another. And if you're going to try to make people believe that Trolls are real, shouldn't the rest of movie be god damn believable too? The first bear stand in you see is placed like it had gotten hammered the night before and just passed out, tongue out and all, spread eagle in the middle of a vast and beautiful Norwegian field. The next one is hunched over in the back of a van like the world's saddest beanie baby, also with its tongue out. And it's also probably worth mentioning that neither of them looked like an actual species of bear.

After the college kids finally have their first encounter with a troll, the movie basically turns into a documentary capturing all the different sub species of trolls, which totally exist, and how they're all super scary, which I'm sure they would be if your worst nightmare was really stupid. Some of these totally existing Trolls can range anywhere from what I'll guess to be twelve feet to one that I shit you not was like two hundred feet tall. Not that I can accurately guess two hundred feet either but it sounds better than tall as balls.

The trolls do all have similar traits of being hurt and killed by sunlight, and being able to smell christian blood. So now this movie is trying to tell us that not only do trolls exist, but because of that God and Jesus also definitely exist, and they like dick to around by making an entirely separate species of horrible monstrosities complete with different races of sometimes three headed and/or dong nosed trolls that look like something only a really bored guy who worked for Dreamworks would, and possibly did, design.

They even make a point to bring up their fairy tale connections by showing a fairly large troll who, no shit, lives under a bridge. It may not ask for a toll, but it will totally eat the shit out of any spare goats you have. Apparently all members of the TSS, that is the Troll Security Service which is also apparently a real life government conspiracy, have three goats with them at all times for situations such as luring a troll from under a bridge.

But now you've got this troll out from under the bridge, what do you do? Blast it with high powered UV ray lamp guns? Sure! Just they way everyone knows medieval Swedes fought off blood thirsty trolls in the past. Honestly, how could civilization get anywhere if there were 200 ft trolls running around and the only way to stop them was blasting them with technology that wouldn't be invented in basically forever? I understand they only come out at night, but I'll bet a few big ass trolls could murder a shit load of people and still manage to make it back to wherever the hell a 200ft monster hides during the day, with plenty of time to eat some goats on the way home,

Besides the whole "Trolls do not and could not possibly exist, why bother having stupid messages like that at the beginning and end of the movie trying to make us think it's real" thing, there isn't much to say about this movie. Although I did find it funny that when their first cameraman (who we are led to believe is close friends with the other two) gets eaten for having the blood of a christian (because blood changes by religion) they instantly replace him and don't seem to care, but when the ginger gets rabies all of the sudden it's an absolute necessity they make it to a hospital. The movie is about as good as your average shitty B horror movie, which is to say, something I would probably watch anyway.