Nintendo's Endings

What is wrong with the Japanese? I mean aside from the tentacle schoolgirl rape porn and the life threatening game shows. Why can't Nintendo, a group of I would assume are fairly intelligent Japanese dudes, ever come up with a good ending for their games? And I'm talking about any games for any Nintendo system, I'm talking about the ones that are made for Nintendo by Nintendo. Shit like Mario, Star Fox, Legend of Zelda, etc. I don't think there has been a single one of those games incarnations, where I sat back and smiled as I watched the ending and felt all accomplished and what not. And I'm not saying all of the were necessarily bad, it's just that none of them were good. And it's like they're not even trying. The whole game you've gotten to know the characters and see their relationships with each other, by the ending you want something meaningful to happen, after all isn't the end of the game sort of the whole point? Isn't the object of the game to beat it and see the ending? So why can't Nintendo make me an ending that doesn't make me want to instantly return the game. It's like they're comprised of the actually Japanese robots you always see, and they really have no concept of "emotions" or "fans". I would say one of the worst endings of any game I've ever played was Starfox 64. You spent hours making it to Venom, you fight past Wolf and his douchey crew and kill the real Andross, Fox's Dad who he thought was dead the last several years of his life shows up, saves you from the exploding death. And then what  happens? He fucking disappears again, forever. He just flies off in another direction and Fox never says anything about it. They all return to Corneria, heroes celebration, the end. Are you serious Nintendo? Do you know what closure is? No obviously you don't. You can't just leave people hanging with an ending like that and then literally never address it again. And I think the most depressing ending has to be Ocarina of Time. Link just went on the adventure of a life time, traveling through time, exploring the world, killing the shit out of various monsters, and when you finally kill Ganondorf (in a very disappointing final boss fight) Zelda seals him and the Tri Force in a realm outside of time so that the world reverts to the way it was before he fucked it up, so that basically nothing ever happened. Your entire adventure? Gone. But Link still remembers it, the whole fucking thing. All that crazy shit he went through still happened, but there isn't a single person in the world who would believe him because to their knowledge it never did. Could you imagine living like that? You had the weight of the world on your shoulders, saved the shit out of it, and the only other people who know about it are all now spirits or something, and then Zelda, maybe, they don't even address is she knows either. Speaking of Zelda, what a prude bitch. This kid, who you didn't even know and owes you absolutely nothing, just went on the craziest most dangerous adventure conceivable and you don't even give him a kiss? Shit, if I were Link I would be expecting AT LEAST some head, but her reward for saving her is erasing your adventure from the memories of existence and making you ten again. Who wants to be ten again? How can you go from being an adult straight back to being a little and just be cool with that? I know we all say we wish we could go back, but seriously if you were suddenly ten again, and also had to relive your whole life back up to being an adult that would fucking suck. Everyone knows that in any and every story featuring a hero and a princess, the guy is supposed to get the girl in the end, but not even Mario can get more than a kiss on his giant on his shnoze (shnawz?) from Princess Peach, and seriously how many times has he had to rescue that bitch?

The fuck Nintendo?

The Legend of Zelda, Damn Sprites

I play a lot of video games, that is no lie. Don't even get me started on Skyrim. I, like every nerd, have already devoted too much of my life to it to want to hear anything about Dragons right now. In fact to get off my addiction to Skyrim, I started playing the newest Legend of Zelda. I've got to say as a Legend of Zelda fan it's a pretty great game to add to the series, as frustrating as some of the motion heavy swimming and flying controls can be to figure out, they get pretty easy quick. The only thing about this game that manages to get on my nerves every single time I play it, no matter where I am, is the damn sword. And not even the actually sword, rather the spirit/genie thing that pops up every now and then. And when I say every now and then, I mean literally any time something even slightly relevant happens.

These always come up as these short little messages where the game comes to a stop, you see this bitch come out of your sword like you're not busy jumping around lava, and she tells you something stupid like "Master, there is a 90% chance that this lava will kill you." And then it just goes back into the sword and the game continues.

Never mind the fact that this ghost robot delivers each of these messages while staring at you with its cold dead nothing eyes. There aren't even eyes on its face, just a place where eyes were clearly supposed to go but Nintendo thought that people really love their sword genies to look like flamboyant yet soulless robots.

Basically every Legend of Zelda game feels the need to throw in some obnoxious yet "helpful" little sprite character like this (I think her name is Fi). In Ocarina of time and Majora's Mask (not that I ever finished that one) they were both little fairies, I seem to remember the second one being more obnoxious (hey, hey!) And in Twilight Princess it was Midna, who despite also giving annoying reminders, could at least participate in combat situations and solve puzzles. I don't know if Nintendo just doesn't listen to their fans who for the most part hate all of these characters, or if they just think we're all really really stupid and need fairies to tell us some of the most obvious shit you will ever hear. If there is a giant ass door, with a giant ass lock, which requires a key that is also giant as ass, I will also assume, Fi, that there is a 90% chance that something important is in there. You don't need to tell me that every time I walk into a dungeon, or a I flip a switch, or I find a new tool or weapon, and you certainly don't need to hold me there and force me to hear it every time.

I need a sword exorcist.